So, I guess you could say my hormones kicked in early 😅
I was in M+S crop-tops by the time I was 10. And looking around the changing rooms before gym class, I saw no crop tops - only vests. And how I wanted to be back in my vest and look the same as everyone else 😕
I mentioned earlier that I went to a very small school, so maybe in a larger group I would have seen a few more crop tops and felt much more at ease. I guess we’ll never know 🤷
And I didn’t like this feeling. I remember it vividly. This feeling of being different.
The changes that were happening to my body seemed to have sparked something inside me. A catalyst to compare 🧨
So I started to compare myself. And when I say myself - not my whole self - only my physical self. In other words, my appearance and how I looked. All the external stuff 👀
And I would compare myself to anyone and everyone - friends, family, other girls in school, pictures in magazines, celebrities, complete strangers - the list goes on…
Internally, I’m not sure what was going on? My internal world didn’t seem to feature too much during this part of my life 🤔
By this point, I was not just comparing myself to others. I was now comparing myself to how I looked the month before, the week before, earlier that day… Eventually I got to the point where I was comparing myself every moment of every day!
My internal world began to suffer. I was becoming disconnected from who I was. All that mattered was how I looked. And it was becoming an unhealthy obsession…
It feels difficult to share this. I worry it sounds superficial...
It also feels sad. Sad that my young teenage self just didn’t feel enough 🤨
When we compare, we are subconsciously conceding that we are not enough. We begin to believe that if we have more of what others have, we will feel fuller, happier.
When the truth is, the more we compare, the more we lose ourselves. We end up sacrificing what we have, in an attempt to change or gain more. And this actually depletes us over time, leaving us more likely to feel empty and inadequate 😔
It takes time (and yoga) to help us figure these things out. To know who we truly are and appreciate our uniqueness.
To know that our enough. Is Enough.
As this habit of comparison grew, I was slowly eroding away.
The days of hopping down the street on one leg without a care in the world, were an old me…